Practically invisible beneath Susie's tinsel and baubles is a red satin g-string Susie is borrowing for the festive season. It's a bit baggy on her, but has a nice ostrich-feather trim. She's also wearing my (very battered) red fishnets, which I tried (unsuccessfully) to hold up with black electricians tape. Nothing happily sticks to her airbrushed skin. That thing sticking through her belt of tinsel and black ribbon that looks like a little christmas whip is another of BHS's sinister Christmas range: possibly intended to be used for flower arranging, it consists of a golden metal handle, three flexible golden wire flails decorated with gold stars, and a puff of gold flexible plastic flails. Ouch.

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Photographs and tree-dressing by Jeremy Dennis